Effing Dykes Presents: Just What Lies Below (The Woman Fingernails) | Autostraddle


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Krista

of

Effing Dykes

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via ohcardigan


Hiya lezzers!


I Have got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…



WHO WOULD LIKE TO NOTICE A SCARY STORY??




MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!


Get your friend. Everyone got your buddy? Great. Hang on tight towards buddy’s hand.


‘Cause this really is a genuine story.


Ahem.



Once upon a time, whenever I ended up being so newly homosexual I didn’t even comprehend I Happened To Be recently gay…


A mature lesbian at now-defunct queer bar known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I happened to be totally only here to boogie)


gave me some advice:

1)


Never open up a combined bank account together with your partner



2)


Don’t fake sexual climaxes



3)


Ensure a lady’s nails are clean.


The sensible lesbian was in her later part of the 40’s, an age-group to date from the my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i really couldn’t actually think about what it needs to be want to be therefore old.

via petitlapin


Exactly how sad, I thought. Right here she is at a bar and she actually is old. I hope I really don’t finish depressed like this lady.


Is not it fun is the middle of your personal market?


Exactly what only a little crap I became.

via diaghram


For reasons uknown, though, we walked away from

Za’s


that evening repeating her three principles to me.


While I woke upwards, I was thinking of these.


It actually was kind of like when you look at the Silver Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to keep in mind The Signs.


Do not act like that you don’t re-read your own Narnia boxed-set at least once annually.


Anyway! in recent times, I always recalled the 3 life lessons the lesbian had trained me. The woman advice made sense.


We never ever unsealed a combined bank checking account with anyone.


I never ever faked orgasms again following first few occasions I did it, recognizing I happened to be, indeed, dooming myself personally to a continuous pattern of shitty gender by satisfying bad overall performance with my cries of “ecstasy.”


And I usually privately examined a female’s nails before we slept together.

via diaphram


Short? Check.


No scratchy sides? Examine.


Thoroughly clean? It Is go time.


But why, nymphos?


What is the big deal about nails?


What’s while using the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?


I am talking about, alright, I have it. Its tougher to bang with extended fingernails. You could possibly puncture a lung or something.


But it’s perhaps not impossible. I had lengthy fingernails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all that hard — you just make sure to utilize the pads of your own hands.


Why was actually that lesbian thus emphatic about clean fingernails?

All of you, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.


I made a decision to complete some debunking.


Surely absolutely nothing could really occur any time you had gotten shagged by somebody with dirty fingernails.

via lesbiansftw


Right after which we remembered a story so awful I’d nearly overlooked it.


Homos.

via dirtyknife


Terrible crap can occur.


This terror tale concerns us due to my personal good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” who may have observed more pussy in temperature than a kitty center on Free Spay Day.


Okay.


Cai


was a student in Miami whenever she met a really hot femme we will call


Katie.


Katie


smelled like glucose cookies baking, dressed in a leopard-print swimsuit, had gigantic gold hoops that shimmered for the light, and also had the finest asses


Cai


had actually ever observed.


She secretly texted myself a photo of

Katie

at the pool so she could brag, and I texted straight back,


“I would strike that till my personal hand decrease off.”

via hellogirls


Thus, yes,


Katie.


Cai


took


Katie


home that evening. There were some severe sipping.


While getting undressed


Katie


within the half-light,


Cai


watched something she had not truly noticed before:



Katie had cool fingernails.



Actually,




Katie




had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.


Cai


couldn’t stop the emotional picture of the nails clawing down her back while she fucked


Katie


, thus animalistic sex commenced.


Cai


also leave

Katie


shag this lady, the actual fact that she ordinarily never lets anybody do that. Just what hell, she realized. Heading house tomorrow. Never ever see this lady once again. I could get topped for a night.


Let us fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

via gilliansees


Some thing was actually incorrect with


Cai’s


“area.”


Severely, honestly wrong. It itched. It burned.


Some, um, greenish-yellowish things was actually oozing as a result. When I say some What i’m saying is too much. quantities. of. pus.


Cai


refused to go right to the lady-doctor.


Because getting supportive is what relationship is about, when she said, I mentioned,


“which means you eventually got the clap. Whorebag.”


Cai


chuckled nervously. She moved house, googled “the clap” and turned into convinced that she performed, indeed have actually gonorrhea. She decided to go, the very first time ever before


(she was 28),


to the queer-friendly neighbor hood gyno center.


They didn’t know very well what ended up being completely wrong together with her.


They tested the girl for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.


Cai


was in some discomfort. She needed solutions. She was in fact placing the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for nearly 30 days today.


So they really provided this lady an ultrasound.



AND COULD YOU DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.


Vaginal rips. All over the within the woman vag.


Lots and lots of rips.


Cai


were torn to shreds. The woman insides were hanging in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe paper birthday celebration accents in there.


And everything – every last inch – was actually contaminated.


It could appear that when Katie made use of her fantastic long nails giving

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, nobody understood that her nails happened to be in addition a festering breeding surface for



bacterial vaginosis

.


Fabulous.


Cai


claims to have now been a stone-cold top from the time.


My best friend wikipedia claims you will get terrible attacks from filthy nails. Evidently, you will find sometimes staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, which can cause any such thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.


And guess what more?


Pinworm eggs.


S’all I’m gonna state.

these are pinworms


That a good idea lesbian was actually spot-on together with her life lessons.



Never ever open up a mutual bank checking account with your lover.



Never phony sexual climaxes.



And holy mother of god, see an innovative new secret’s fingernails before banging.

by crystal gwyn


Or you tend to be doomed to endure the destiny of Cai.



THE END


I Must wonder, however…



Have any of y’all previously obtained anything awful from another women’s hands?



Or been aware of somebody who did?



Or perhaps is this mostly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?


My personal fingers are inching towards travel-sized Purell package.


I wanted responses.



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