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I Have got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, soâ¦
WHO WOULD LIKE TO NOTICE A SCARY STORY??
Get your friend. Everyone got your buddy? Great. Hang on tight towards buddy’s hand.
âCause this really is a genuine story.
Once upon a time, whenever I ended up being so newly homosexual I didn’t even comprehend I Happened To Be recently gayâ¦
A mature lesbian at now-defunct queer bar known as
in Green Bay, Wisconsin
(I happened to be totally only here to boogie)
gave me some advice:
Never open up a combined bank account together with your partner
Don’t fake sexual climaxes
Ensure a lady’s nails are clean.
The sensible lesbian was in her later part of the 40’s, an age-group to date from the my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i really couldn’t actually think about what it needs to be want to be therefore old.
Exactly how sad, I thought. Right here she is at a bar and she actually is old. I hope I really don’t finish depressed like this lady.
Is not it fun is the middle of your personal market?
Exactly what only a little crap I became.
For reasons uknown, though, we walked away from
that evening repeating her three principles to me.
While I woke upwards, I was thinking of these.
It actually was kind of like when you look at the Silver Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to keep in mind The Signs.
Do not act like that you don’t re-read your own Narnia boxed-set at least once annually.
Anyway! in recent times, I always recalled the 3 life lessons the lesbian had trained me. The woman advice made sense.
We never ever unsealed a combined bank checking account with anyone.
I never ever faked orgasms again following first few occasions I did it, recognizing I happened to be, indeed, dooming myself personally to a continuous pattern of shitty gender by satisfying bad overall performance with my cries of “ecstasy.”
And I usually privately examined a female’s nails before we slept together.
No scratchy sides? Examine.
Thoroughly clean? It Is go time.
But why, nymphos?
What is the big deal about nails?
What’s while using the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?
I am talking about, alright, I have it. Its tougher to bang with extended fingernails. You could possibly puncture a lung or something.
But it’s perhaps not impossible. I had lengthy fingernails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with âem isn’t all that hard â you just make sure to utilize the pads of your own hands.
Why was actually that lesbian thus emphatic about clean fingernails?
All of you, she was actually
I made a decision to complete some debunking.
Surely absolutely nothing could really occur any time you had gotten shagged by somebody with dirty fingernails.
Right after which we remembered a story so awful I’d nearly overlooked it.
Terrible crap can occur.
This terror tale concerns us due to my personal good-looking friend ”
,” who may have observed more pussy in temperature than a kitty center on Free Spay Day.
was a student in Miami whenever she met a really hot femme we will call
smelled like glucose cookies baking, dressed in a leopard-print swimsuit, had gigantic gold hoops that shimmered for the light, and also had the finest asses
had actually ever observed.
She secretly texted myself a photo of
at the pool so she could brag, and I texted straight back,
“I would strike that till my personal hand decrease off.”
home that evening. There were some severe sipping.
While getting undressed
within the half-light,
watched something she had not truly noticed before:
Katie had cool fingernails.
had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.
couldn’t stop the emotional picture of the nails clawing down her back while she fucked
, thus animalistic sex commenced.
shag this lady, the actual fact that she ordinarily never lets anybody do that. Just what hell, she realized. Heading house tomorrow. Never ever see this lady once again. I could get topped for a night.
Let us fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?
Some thing was actually incorrect with
Severely, honestly wrong. It itched. It burned.
Some, um, greenish-yellowish things was actually oozing as a result. When I say some What i’m saying is too much. quantities. of. pus.
refused to go right to the lady-doctor.
Because getting supportive is what relationship is about, when she said, I mentioned,
“which means you eventually got the clap. Whorebag.”
chuckled nervously. She moved house, googled “the clap” and turned into convinced that she performed, indeed have actually gonorrhea. She decided to go, the very first time ever before
(she was 28),
to the queer-friendly neighbor hood gyno center.
They didn’t know very well what ended up being completely wrong together with her.
They tested the girl for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.
was in some discomfort. She needed solutions. She was in fact placing the
for nearly 30 days today.
So they really provided this lady an ultrasound.
AND COULD YOU DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.
Vaginal rips. All over the within the woman vag.
Lots and lots of rips.
were torn to shreds. The woman insides were hanging in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe paper birthday celebration accents in there.
And everything â every last inch â was actually contaminated.
It could appear that when Katie made use of her fantastic long nails giving
a vigorous drunk-fuck, nobody understood that her nails happened to be in addition a festering breeding surface for
claims to have now been a stone-cold top from the time.
My best friend wikipedia claims you will get terrible attacks from filthy nails. Evidently, you will find sometimes staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, which can cause any such thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.
And guess what more?
S’all I’m gonna state.
these are pinworms
That a good idea lesbian was actually spot-on together with her life lessons.
Never ever open up a mutual bank checking account with your lover.
Never phony sexual climaxes.
And holy mother of god, see an innovative new secret’s fingernails before banging.
by crystal gwyn
Or you tend to be doomed to endure the destiny of Cai.
I Must wonder, howeverâ¦
Have any of y’all previously obtained anything awful from another women’s hands?
Or been aware of somebody who did?
Or perhaps is this mostly
(âcept for Cai)
a lesbian urban myth?
My personal fingers are inching towards travel-sized Purell package.
I wanted responses.
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